PAY BACK IS A BITCH

I blame Big Pit, for roping the Flea and I into it...

“Hey! It's an easy Mountain bike race! A bunch of fire roads and easy, none technical single track.  Come on you guys... we'll go do an easy race, play in the woods, have a few laughs... it'll be fun!!!!”  

Sure... maybe to a bunch of super fit Mountain bike riders!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let me start out by saying, including this past weekend,  I've done a total of 3 mountain bike races in my entire life.   My last 2 mountain bike races, were 20 years ago...

Mountain bike racing is as far from Cyclocross racing as hmmm... let me see.....

A Proctologist vs. a Brain Surgeon... 


It's coincidental that they they work at totally opposite ends of the body...  


The only thing they really have in common is they both went to medical school, wear surgical gloves, and use lots of the same instruments... 


But if you send a Proctologist, in to do brain surgery... the patient might have an issue, don't you think??!!!  Not to mention the Poctologist doing the brain surgery would probably have a full on  panic attack...  

Anyway... you get my point...

So, the morning of the race, started out at 7:30 with Andy Gould, taking us out on the course... since none of us had a clue as to, what we were getting ourselves into...

Anyone who knows Andy, knows 2 things about him... he's a Expert Mountain bike racer and he has huge legs!  He's a relatively normal sized guy... with the exception of his legs... which are the size of tree trunks...   

As you can well imagine, 15 minutes into the warm up ride, even though Andy is doing his best to go at a snails pace, I've already bumped into 2 trees and I'm way in the deep end of the pool, without a set of water wings on!!

So, we're riding along and everything is going just ducky until .....   

This was me, (minus the pink dress of course!!!)

 
I was descending a gnarly section of single track when a large bug landed directly on my nose, I took a swat at it and that's exactly when my wheel grabbed a rut and I shot over my bars.... like I was fired out of a freaking cannon!!!

Lesson #1. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CONDITION... REMOVE YOUR HANDS FROM THE BARS, WHEN DESCENDING A GNARLY SECTION OF SINGLE TRACK!!!!  

EVEN IF A PYTHON... WITH FANGS, DANGLES FROM THE TREES AND WRAPS ITSELF AROUND YOUR SCRAWNY PEANUT NECK!!! 

I had to take a 2 minute break... to collect myself... which is code for, I stood there, swore a lot,  inspected my bruised kneecaps and shins and made sure I didn't break anything on my bike.  

30 minutes into our slog into the woods and well after my crash, the Flea looks over at me, with sweat dripping off of her hair and this look imprinted all over her face... nnnnnneeeeeed waaaaaattttteeeeerrrrrr!!!!

As you can imagine... I wasn't in the best of moods... considering my previous airborne episode... The fact that I was now sporting skid marks on both knees, was already covered in bug bites, and was thirsty as hell....
 
I simply muttered... “next time... we're gonna bring the freaking water bottles!”

Not to confuse the story by back tracking... but....

Before we took off for our 7 mile warm up loop, which for a bunch of road and cyclocross STOOGES doesn't sound like a big deal... the Flea and I “briefly”, contemplated taking a water bottle... but quickly dismissed the idea... by saying “naaaahhhh... it's, only 7 miles... we'll be back in nooooo time”.

Lesson #2... 1 mile in the woods, translates to approximately 3 miles on the road... never leave your water behind.  What a bunch of morons!!!

After our not so little course check out... Andy gave us some tips on how to properly tie our number to the front of our bikes and then the most important tip of the day... water bottle staking/stash tips!!!!

You see... up to this point, I was under the impression all Mountain bike racers wore some sort of hydration systems... It seems they do to train, but not to race... seems that the hydration systems are too bulky or heavy. 

Very interesting discovery!!!... 

Upon further investigation... I came to the conclusion that as the level of the racer improved... so did their jury-rig, staked water bottle set up device.

And here's how they broke down....

PRO MOUNTAIN BIKE RACER (PIT TOOTSIE)
This person stands around and looks pretty, and when the rider racers by... if she's in the mood... hands up a water bottle

EXPERT MOUNTAIN BIKE RACER.... has several water bottles to choose from, depending on the flavor they want... or alcohol selection

SPORT CLASS RACER... Easy in... Easy out

NOVICE.... low cost, but effective

BOOB RACER.... Uhhhhh.... No comment (this was my category)

 
Even though there are several disciplines within the world of cycling...  it seems more and more often, riders are crossing over from one discipline to another and expanding their horizons.

As we lined up for the race last weekend, I recognized many faces from the "my" world of Cyclocross but this time, I was in their World and I was the rookie... this was clearly not my World... this was theirs, and pay back is a bitch.  

As I was bouncing around in the woods trying not to hit every tree in sight... I realized that I was out of my element and they were not.  

Good job to all you Mountain Bike Racers!!  Nice Work!  I learned loads and had a ton of fun.

Good job Flea... you done good!

Have fun out there, Ride Safe

I'll Talk with you all soon

The Peanut Gallery