Just when your sphincter is beginning to slam shut, a guy you are riding next to calmly say’s, “don’t worry… the dog has an invisible fence, he won‘t bother us!”
Two seconds later… the dog with that “magical invisible fence”… comes racing into the street… causing the pack to scatter like a flock of foaming at the mouth screaming chickens, that just got blind sided by a rabid weasel.
So… I got to thinking…
I am a dog lover. I really, really do love dogs... BUT... there are two places I don’t like dogs much at all. It’s only two tiny, itsy, bitsy little places I would really prefer they keep away from.
#1. Out of my wheel
#2. Off of my calf
In my 25+ years of riding, I've come into contact with a ton of dogs while riding and I've decided that dogs fall in categories just like racers, and just like racers, as the category increases, so does the danger level and the chance of crash or injury.
So... here's how the categories break out
Cat 1/2 - the porch lounger. Much like a Cat 1 / 2 Pro… this dog is low danger. A Cat 1 / 2 dog will simply lay on the porch, watch traffic, people, a rider or anything that goes by his porch.
On occasion he will get up, stretch… yawn… sniff around, even go take a pee. But, the porch is where they wants to be… and the porch lounger simply isn't interested in anything that isn't on their porch.
Cat 3 - The Happy Chaser. These dogs are the equivalent to young racers who have just upgraded. All paws, ears, tongue and tail. These dogs are well intended… they just want to play and run along with you… however, some of them have faulty internal navigational devices… similar to a misguided nuclear warhead.
Which makes some of them dangerous, because they can shoot off into your front wheel or turn off into their yard, but you don't know which... So, this makes them unpredictable!!
What do you do??? My advice… Stop and tell the dog to “go home”… most of the time, they will give you a lick and happily comply.
Cat 4 - The mixed bag of car chasers, dogs on runs, chains, ties, etc. The larger the gauge of chain, the greater the concern…
You see, the reason these dogs are tied up, is because they don’t like staying in their assigned location. And in particular… their owners have discovered, their "pets" like chasing after moving objects… particularly… screaming moving objects, like hysterical bicycle riders!!!!
So… Assuming one of these escape artists has gotten off their restraining device… what do you do????
Well… this is a tricky one. In my experience, I have found that Cat 4 dogs are audible chasers… in other words, they bark the entire time they chase you. So you have a fair bit of warning.
So, if you trust your sprinting skills ( and you have a head start)… you can always try to outrun him. If he cuts you off (and I have had a dog snap a large gauge chain and cut me off in the road)… outrunning may not be an option. In that case... Put the bike between you and the dog and start yelling your head off at the dog, to "go home!!". Hopefully the owner will hear you and call the dog off, or the dog will get tired of screwing with you and head back to his yard.
I have been bitten by these dogs, so be careful in which option you choose. If you choose the sprint option… keep sprinting and don’t look back!!!
Cat 5 - The Junk Yard Dog. This dog is full on butt ugly. Helen Keller would recoil in horror, if her hands brushed the lumpy, matted head of one of these lost souls.
I swear if these dogs had thumbs, they would carry switch blades but then again… they wouldn’t need to, since they come equipped with a full set of fangs and claws… These dogs are the 4 legged version of a Street Thug.
The Junk Yard Dog is by far the scariest and without a doubt most dangerous of any dog you will encounter. They will track you progress and attack from an angle, make zero sound as they come up on you, and are fast as hell.
It’s not unusual to find them with a missing eye, ragged or totally missing ear, and 3 legs. Don’t let that missing leg fool you… I’ve been chased by a 3 legged, one eyed Junk Yard Dog for 2 miles and I almost crapped my cycling shorts trying to stay in front of this mangy snapping flea bag from hell!!
I would bet Junk Yard Dogs that chase cyclist, have tiny little trophy stashes of lycra swatches that they’ve snatched from the asses of riders they’ve chased over the years.
What do you do if you come across a Junk Yard Dog… RIDE LIKE YOU LIFE DEPENDS ON IT…
CAUSE IT DOES!!! These dogs are full on predators, that have unfortunately been mistreated all of their lives and don’t have that domestic sense ingrained into them… If you get cornered. Get your bike between you and the dog and do whatever you need to do, to protect yourself. This dog is not to be messed with.
PS, If something like this is chasing you... don't stop to pet it! Something bad might happen. Ugh, what an ugly dog...
Have fun out there, ride safe.
I'll talk with you all soon.
The Peanut Gallery
